Cyber Friends : Making Transisiton from Virtual to Real

The views expressed here are explicitly of the author only and does not reflect any one else's stance except that of the author's.Any suggestions and comments are highly welcome and kindly mail them to the author at : vivek@vivekthakur.com

15thJuly, 2003

Little did the US Department of Defense realize that its new research project ("DARPA"), aiming to link a few university and defense laboratories in the late 1960s, would soon outgrow its purpose and in the process become one of the most popular means of communication and entertainment across the world. DARPA became the mother of modern Internet.

Internet can really be a great way to meet other people and get to know them. Since the advent of WWW (World Wide Web), the number of people flocking to chat rooms is increasing steadily across the world. Distance is no bar. No longer does one feel bored. You just need a computer and an Internet connection. Just log on whenever you feel lonely and viola! You have entered a new world. A world where there are millions of people online, people of different countries, different religions and different tastes. A world where there are no boundaries. The chat communities across the Internet are filled with people from every walk of life, diverse in every possible way.

One of the more amazing statistics about the Internet is that of all in the world who have Internet access today, 33% of them have at least been into a chat room at one time or another.  There are many chat environments, and many ways that chat is utilized today.  There are rooms for special interests, where people who share a common thread can discuss these interests. The most common use of chat however appears to be people wanting to meet people. It seems as though this should be a great place to make friends.  Like having real time pen pals.  It's true that there are many friendships spawned in these chat communities, but chat has taken on a unique personality.

According to Rafaeli & LaRose (1993): "Aside from its sheer size, this new social milieu commands scholarly attention because it is one of the new "collaborative mass media forms" in which messages come from a wide variety of participants with little or no centralized control. It therefore blurs the traditional boundaries between interpersonal and mass communication phenomena and raises new opportunities and risks for the way individuals relate to one another."

Internet, undoubtedly, is an excellent medium to communicate with other people but at the same time it acts as a thick wall hiding the true nature and character of the person on other side of monitor. When we make new friends socially, we instinctively take into account their way of talking, accent, facial expressions, body language etc. These parameters combined give us a hint about their personality and based on them our mind differentiates among their individuality.

But Internet chat is a world all it's own. There are no such cues regarding vocal qualities, bodily movement, facial expressions, and physical appearance. It's a place where people can put away who they are and be who they want to be. No matter how many times one has chatted or exchanged mails, there always exists an element of uncertainty regarding the nature of friendship between two chat friends. Anyone who has been in chat at all understands that you can choose your name, choose your description, and choose your own age.  Anything you want.  And nobody is going to know. You can make your self to be whatever or whomever you want to be, but should the time come, that you have developed a relationship of any kind, and decide to meet in person, you should know how to handle the situation.

The first meeting is the most crucial deciding factor regarding the future of that relationship. Its different compared to meeting a complete stranger socially. Here one has a mental image of the other person, which the first meeting in flesh and blood might conflict with, in retrospect. During a meeting, one is exposed since the protective cover that the Internet provides is absent.

As a case study, here's a real life story of me meeting one of my net friends two years ago. We had been chatting since a week when she asked me whether I would like to meet her and my positive reply ended us meeting on a fixed day in a nearby food joint. We exchanged each other's physical description and what we were going to wear that day for easy recognition. As I was waiting for that day, the excitement inside myself regarding that meeting grew day by day, as it was my first meeting with a net friend. But when we met, something strange and unexpected happened. As we sat there and started talking, I found myself a bit confused. She was very talkative by nature and socially I am a reserved person. Also her intellectual level never matched with me. She did not fit into the frame that I had in my mind. I found myself sitting quietly just listening to her and sometimes commenting here and there. Also I never made any eye contact with her, and she commented on that. My non-participation irritated her and she, probably sensing my body language, finally asked me whether anything is wrong, as she had never expected me to be so quiet. Her question made me feel more uncomfortable and I started feeling embarrassed. She asked me to speak anything; I tried to talk but couldn't start any topic. The thought that she might not like to discuss on my selected topic, or my discussion will turn out too intellectual, created a bottleneck inside me. She felt as if I was ignoring her, but how could I have explained her my state of mind. Anyway when I reached home I thought about the whole situation again, and then I realized what went wrong.          

The problem was that when I was chatting with her on net, her physical and vocal absence made me feel as if I am communicating with the monitor, a dull and lifeless machine. I was very casual. I had a sense of superiority and liberty of typing anything I wish. Since an obvious time difference exists between typing words and speaking them out, I could have never guessed whether she was talkative or not. Neither could she my shyness. It's difficult to back-engineer a whole person from selected text. So I met with a certain image of her in my mind. And when this image conflicted with her social personality, I felt as if I she was not the one I used to chat on net. My mind was unable to integrate the person sitting in front of me with the one who I used to chat with. And this feeling did not allow me to be myself in front of her.

Then, I asked myself: What should one do in situations like these? How could have I arrested my thoughts so as to make the atmosphere more conducive to friendly discussion?

Let's get back to my experience.  Firstly, and most importantly, I should have not met her carrying in my mind any presumptions regarding her personality. Even if she was different than what I thought initially, I should not have let my confidence desert me. In such situations, one should start a general topic and in case if you sense that your listener is feeling bored better start a conversation that interests him or her. Two people in a conversation could fully understand each other if each of them have identical life experiences. We all know that's impossible. But communication is best when two persons have somewhat same intellectual level, same thinking and views, close familiarity or if they both share common experiences. Since this is your first meeting, close familiarity is not possible. Also only chatting cannot guarantee that two net friends share same views. But, even in the absence of such parameters, there are a variety of ways that can help people create a greater region of shared experiences and thus avoid talking past each other.

One should try to be as calm and casual as possible. Don't let excitement or nervousness overflow. Speak with a relaxed voice. Try to be polite as well as diplomatic in your discussions. Even if you don't agree with the other person's views, don't express your disagreement openly. Don't let your ego come in between your discussions. Give your friend an opportunity to react. Good use of simple metaphors may also help in making your view point clearer. Small jokes here and there help in creating informal and relaxed environment. Also, one should not ask too personal questions in the first meet, as it feels awkward trying to get close to one's personal life so soon and might trigger negative reactions. Since you got to know each other via Internet, try talking more about it.

Body language also helps. In my case, I clearly showed signs of uneasiness and nervousness. So I discovered from that meeting some general Do's and Don'ts. Don't look here and there; it shows your nervousness. Try to make frequent eye contacts. See the other person and try to guess what her body 'says'. Look for signs of boredom or discontent like no eye contact, characteristic rhythmic motion of legs or crossed-arms defensive position. These gestures are easy to understand and are good nonverbal indicators.

Suppose your net friend lied to you regarding any of his personal details, age, description etc., avoid getting rude as criticizing him for his bluff won't be of any help, it will only create an embarrassing scene. Remember, chat is very casual and shallow method of communication, so be prepared for surprises when you meet your net friends. Finish the matter in a joke or anecdote and start a different topic. Don't let him feel that his disclosing the truth perturbed you.

All the techniques discussed above aim to increase one's confidence level and his ability to be in control in any type of awkward circumstances which may attend his rendezvous with a 'stranger'.

Keyboard and monitor can never replace human senses. No matter how much technologically advanced we become, in the end our basic senses will be our ultimate weapons to tackle any type of communicative problem. Just one has to learn how to use them as situation demands. Technology is just the medium. Without these skills, the rough ocean of real world problems will devour our small boat of self-confidence, and even the big ship of technology will be not be able to rescue us.